Get my head outta my *ss

I just realized I am so wrapped up in my own life I haven’t been paying enough attention to those that I love. 

To my niece Steph, I am so proud of you.  You are a military wife, mother and have managed to get your GED & graduate from college.  You are an inspiration.  You have lived years away from your family, always worried about everybody else and feel guilty when you can’t be there. Just to have you thinking of those who need you is much more than anyone could ask.  We miss you, don’t always agree with your choices, but we love you nonetheless.  So glad your dad’s surgery went ok.  He is important to you therefore important to us. 

To my daughter Amity,  I really am so proud of you.  You have managed to graduate from community college and begin going to a four-year college (TOWSON!)  all on your own.  You have accomplished much more than I had ever hoped.  I know you will give your best, have moments of rage, self-pity and general pissed-offedness (is that even a word).  No matter what, in 2015 I know I will be going to your graduation from college and you will be heading out into the field that you want.  Not only am I proud of your academics, I am proud that you have contacted people that you may never have known, but should have always known.  It may not be easy when people don’t live up to your expectations but you have faced them and I think have made a friend out of it.

To my son Day, you have grown quite a bit in the last year.  You are growing up and trying your best to be a responsible, well-rounded man even though you never really had a good role model.  You are going to school and I know you will succeed.  Your temper sometimes still gets the best of you but you are dealing with that too.  Keep up the good work, I know you can become the person you want to be.

To Brett, my baby boy.  You are trying so hard to be everything everyone wants you to be.  Be you. Shoot for what you want, give it your best.  Don’t worry about high school, we all make it through, even Damian did. 

To my baby girl, Cara.  You are so much like me it’s scary.  You have a temper that can make an Irishman scared.  You can also be the most loving child in the world.  I know I am not the bestest mommy in the world, but you are an independent little girl who knows right from wrong and you get attention from everyone around you.  You demand attention.  My little Leo.

There are many others but I don’t think I should be writing a novel on here. 

I believe…

Yeah, I think this post may have been better off being written on MLK day.  So I am a bit late. 

I believe in the pursuit of happiness. I pursue happiness, sometimes find it, sometimes lose it, but I continue to pursue it.  I tend to find happiness in the oddest of places and sometimes the smallest of things.  The giggle of a baby gets me every time, sitting on the porch on a summer morning just drinking my coffee and listening to the sounds, hearing a cat purr, these are all small moments of happiness.  I pursue constantly not always consciously. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one has the power to take it away or give it. 

I believe you never stop learning.  I want to know things, push the envelope, question why things are and learn new ways of doing things.  I am a student, literally.  My education may take many years but I will finish it.  I want to learn something new everyday and teach others what I have learned. The more I learn the more I want to learn.  The world is only as small as you make it.

I believe we are all different, yet all the same.  We fundamentally want the same things.  We may differ in how to get them by religion, politics, and even race and gender.  These differences are individualized and shouldn’t be forced upon anyone else.  Put the cards on the table, inform me of what your opinion on each matter is and why, I will then take this information and form my own opinion. 

I believe in love.  Always, eternally.  I am not saying that I believe love lasts forever in the same form.  I do believe that love is necessary to live a fulfilled life. To see things differently.  To have a purpose.

Week in review: part 2

This is the week in review.  This is where I go over my wish list and wrap up the week past.  I kinda like this because I realize what was important from the week and what just seemed important at the moment.

So this is a sad week for Ravens fans.  Maybe I should begin praying in August for them to go to the super bowl.  Well they made it to the playoffs, it was still a good season.

I received a surprise check in the mail that is paying for my tires.  At least I can get two now and two more when my taxes come in.

The heat still isn’t working, but thanks to the efforts of our “family” clean freak it will hopefully be working this week.  The house is getting cleaner and soon I will have heat.  Things are looking up in the world.

I was on time for work all week.  This may be due to the fact that I had a ride everyday but Monday. For all intents and purposes though, I was on time all week.  One goal met for the week. Yay me!

Someone thinks that they found something out that upset them this week.  I don’t know how or what they have heard exactly, but they haven’t come to me with it yet.  This, I think, is sort of chicken shit.  Really?  What could be the worse that would happen if they asked me.  Still haven’t learned from past mistakes.  Some people need to be knocked in the head.

I also registered for a class in the spring.  I hope to bring my epa up so that I can get my FAFSA back.  Putting school off was hard and I now have to schedule it into all the new things that I have going since last year.  Just what I needed, more things to balance.

I liked myself all week and only felt that I was mean or unfair on small occasions this week.  These moments were caused by work related stress and really had nothing to do with anything else. I think the decisions I made were pretty good for the most part. 

I tried to balance a lot this week.  I managed to spend time with the kids, time with my honey and time cleaning.  I really need to kick it up a notch or two though.  I really think more sleep is required so something has got to give. 

The Commandments of Mommy

 

I realize that there are certain rules that need to be established and/or re-established in how to treat your mommy. 

Rule 1: DO NOT call your mother a whore when you don’t want anyone saying anything about you.  When I want your opinion I will ask for it. 

Rule 2:  You don’t have children, when you do I will listen to your advice.  Wait a minute, I still have more experience than you do.

Rule 3:  This is my house.  If you care to be a productive member of this household with the perks of living here, you must participate in the not-so-pleasant tasks that involve living in my home. 

Rule 4:  This is in reference to Rule 3.  I am NOT the maid.  It isn’t my job to give you your mail, switch your clothes over to the dryer then bring them to you, or pick your laundry, shoes and other miscellaneous items out of the common living areas. 

Rule 5:  I am here for you.  I  will listen to your problems,  be there for your highs and lows, snuggle with you when you are tired or cold.  I will NOT however, be told what to do because you think you are right, be played against another child and/or listen to you berate others just because they don’t meet your standards. Seriously, no one does. 

Rule 6: You can borrow my clothes.  Please treat them with the same respect I treat yours.  Follow the care instructions when washing, ask if your not sure.  Don’t leave them laying all over the house.  When they are clean put them back where you found them.   Thank you

Rule 7: I gave birth to you, I am an adult and therefore respect is a given.  End of story.

Rule 8: You break it, you bought it applies to my home.  If you can’t afford to replace it then leave it the hell alone.  Again, thank you.

Mother of the year, I am not. Never have I claimed to be.  I have been many different people over the years since becoming a mommy, I still work on it.  ‘Do no harm to others’ is the motto of my life at the moment.  Live your life your way and leave me to live mine, however I may choose at the moment.  The best words of wisdom my mother ever gave me was, “Who cares what other people think”.  These words were told to me by a dying woman.  A woman who died two months after uttering those words and who lived her entire life trying to be what others wanted.  I am so glad that lesson was taught to me at the age of 21.  I have kept it tucked away through the years, pulling it out when needed to get me through rough times. 

It’s snowing, duh

Dear BCPSS,

Please don’t wait until 6 a.m to decide to close schools and/or delay them.  I understand you are cozy warm in your beds, but there are school buses that need to leave by 5:30 a.m.  This puts the bus personnel in danger because they must drive snow covered roads to get to work. 

I realize children must get an education, but come on guys.  Really?! You know you don’t plow side streets.  How many kids live on snow emergency routes and are easily accessible to school buses?  How about the wheelchair student who can’t just walk to the corner?

You are constantly speaking of the safety of the children.  How about the safety of pedestrians when a school bus slides up a street?  Let’s start using common sense.  When the weather is bad, please at least delay it at a decent time until you are better able to evaluate the situation.  If nothing else, at least think of rush hour traffic.

Thank you from your very confused dispatcher and former school bus personnel.

The week in review

I am going to review my wish list each week to keep myself on point.  Week one had its ups and downs, surprise challenges and some highlights as well.

The search for balance was an ongoing struggle this week.  The battle was lost because the universe  had an unfair advantage.  When I am cold, I don’t want to move.  My heater decided it no longer wants to work as it should and my house is freezing.  This is not an ideal nor optimum situation to be in when your naturally lazy.  Cleaning was not top priority on my list this week.

Money worries were at a high this week since I didn’t get a paycheck because of winter break.  That is stressful enough, add the heater into the equation and birthdays out the wazoo in the month of January.  Living comfortably when you are worrying about money and too cold to clean the messy house is next to impossible. 

Good news on the mirror front.  I liked myself all week.  Some days I was looking a hot mess, but I pulled it off. I chanelled my inner Goddess no matter how I looked and faked it til I felt it.

I think I was independent this week.  I did what I could and received help when I needed it.  Thank you to those who are there when I need you.  Thank you to those who help without question and question when needed.

So the stink bugs have ceased to bother me all week.  Actually I found a deceased one and just saw a live one today.  Not bad from being buzzed multiple times a night by them. I don’t think they appreciate the cold in my home either.

I have failed miserably in living life to the fullest because I am too afraid of screwing up the future.  I have planned.  I have registered for classes. thought about things that need to be done in the week ahead and then sat.  I have cuddled up in my bed, getting out only occasionally to do menial tasks or go to work.  I feel like a commercial for anti-depressants. 

My car still doesn’t have new tires but I pray for them multiple times a day.  This is another one of those stressors that come with not having any money.  The universe will hear me soon.  Maybe not having good tires has its perks cause when snow is called for I don’t drive.

Being on time for work was exceptionally good since I was only 15 minutes late, one day.  I think that worked better than expected and am aiming for all five days of being on time this week. 

The Ravens aren’t in the Super bowl but are one step closer.  I am extremely happy with my boys.

Is it always better to know the truth, even when it hurts?

 

They say the truth shall set you free.  I say the truth can eat away at you, make you bitter and lonely.  Ok so that may be a little dramatic.  Truth is like everything else in life, knowing too much can damage you, not knowing enough can damage you.  The truth seems to be a catch 22.

Truth should be taken in doses. For example, knowing what you need and leaving it at that.  You don’t need to know details about your spouses affair, just that it happened and where to go from there.  You may be curious, but as another old saying goes, curiosity killed the cat.  Knowing more than you should can keep you from moving forward. Not knowing your spouse is having an affair can harm you in other ways, even kill you if they aren’t careful.  If your spouse is having unprotected sex with another and happens to get an STD, or worse, you really need to know.  How can you protect yourself and those you care about without knowledge? 

Another example of the consequences of truth would be in knowing things that your parents, children and spouses have done in the past that could affect how you view them now.  Sometimes our mistakes haunt us.  Unless it’s a necessity or a life lesson, not every little truth needs to be out in the open. 

I understand totally that I can be very truthful about myself, especially on here.  Sometimes too truthful.  There are many things on here that are not out in the open because of the pain that they would cause.  If you know me personally, then I don’t need to share the details. 

The truth isn’t something that should be taken lightly.  To be totally truthful with others, you must start with yourself.  See your flaws and accept them or change them.  We can hurt ourselves as much, and as easily,  with the truth as we can others.  Use with caution!

What your home says about you

 

I would like my home to say: I am a woman who has got her shit together”.  Reality check.  My home says ‘here lives a woman who really doesn’t give a shit’.

The journey from being married to a clean freak who wants everything perfect to being about two steps away from being on hoarders has really surprised me.  I was a woman working part time at night, taking care of the kids and house during the day and still had time for crafts and church and…o god I was sooo incredibly bored and boring.

In my search for fun and knowing myself better, life kind of slipped out of my control and sent me spiraling into a pattern of laziness that I can’t seem to get out of. There was really no one pushing me to clean anymore.  I had to get up before the sun everyday.  It wasn’t my house and when it became my house it was just too overwhelming.  Sleep was encouraged, by my then other half.  Then came school and then there were just too many people and animals living in my house.  I shouldn’t have to do it all...

I think this topic falls under ‘being comfortable in my home’ and "balance’ on my January wish list.  So I shall pray hard for these things, take a little bit of initiative daily and think positively and see what happens.  My home will one day state “this woman has her shit together. She IS every woman, hear her roar’. I really I hope I am not roaring because I am in pain from stooping and scrubbing, or sleeping when I should be awake.  Maybe instead of praying for balance I should pray for the energy to conquer it all,   or more Starbucks gift cards. 

Boundaries.

 

I admit I have a slight problem with boundaries.  I really like to push them.  I tend to have most of my boundary problems with personal boundaries.  This year I shall work on them.

To my children, the adult ones, please pay close attention.  As your mother I have an interest in your life as you have one in mine.  You are both adults.  I am an adult as well.  You are not my parents and can not tell me what to do unless you want the same in return.  I am still making sacrifices to help you both.  Please don’t put me in the middle of your arguments, pay me when bills are due and if you want my advice just ask.  I am always willing to give advice, trust me. 

To the man who shares my home.  We are bound by property and finances.  You are no longer welcome to come just sit in my bed when you feel like it.  These are privileges my children, pets and limited friends have.  Just because my door is open is not an invitation to my bed.  I am trying very hard to just be friends.  I realize its not easy to let your feelings go, but you must.  Until we can reach some kind of financial agreement and live separately you must maintain some sort of personal boundaries.

I am pretty much an open book.  If you ask me, I will tell you as truthfully as possible.  I am far from perfect and by no stretch of the imagination do ever consider myself to be better than anyone.  I try to understand, give people second chances and expect only respect in return. 

Dear fortune cookie…

 

I have never put too much, lets just say, faith, into a fortune cookie fortune.  Occasionally they are funny, sometimes insightful.  My fortune for today just struck a cord in me and I may just live the rest of the year with this as my mantra.  Pray for what you want, work for what you need. 

Somehow seems so simple.  As a norm I write 10 things each new moon and call it my new moon wish list.  This is sort of what I will be doing on here each month.  As a way to keep myself on track and to be held accountable to any who read this, I will be posting my needs and my wants.  My wants will be prayed for daily and I work for my needs. 

So as a first step lets just list my needs in a generalized fashion.

• a home
• food
• a job (very important)
• transportation to and from said job
• coffee (some may disagree)
• proper hygiene (i.e. working shower, bathing supplies…)
• cell phone, computer & other social media (ok this may be stretching it a bit)
• my children and bestie.  Those that I love the most in the world and really need in my life.
• cigarettes (yes I know, please don’t judge)

Ok so I think that may cover the needs.  These are not prioritized by any means, just what popped out.

My wants for January will be as follows:

1. Balance in my life. Work, kids, home,” romantic” life, social time.  I want enough for everyone and not to concentrate too much on one thing.
2. To live comfortably in my home.  No money worries, clean home…
3. I want to like the person in the mirror every day, not just sometimes.
4. To know that my decisions are the right ones for me and to take more control of my life.
5. To be independent but not afraid to depend on others when needed. (Would that be considered under balance?)
6. To get rid of the stink bugs in my house!
7. To live each day to the fullest, while still planning for the future.
8. New tires on my car. (That too could be considered a need though)
9. Be on time for work everyday. 
10. The Ravens to go to the Super Bowl.

So maybe my wants and needs are requiring a bit of work.  Tweaking will be done as needed.