The closing of the door

As the old saying goes, “When one door closes, another opens” Sometimes its a window but the door is still shut. 

It hurts. No matter how bad things were, it still hurts.  There was something there, no matter how small. 
We were happy in our little world. You were my knight in shining armor. Helping me through tough times, really tough times. You were all I had. I cried to you. The only man I have ever wanted to see me cry. You held me and and told me it would all be ok. You bought me trail mix and made me smile.  Your childlike innocence mixed with a man finding his way was like a breath of fresh air in a stagnant room.

I forced you into a position you weren’t ready for. You grudgingly came along. Like a child thrown into the deep end, you struggled,  flailing about looking for help.  I assumed you could swim and dove into save you to late.

I am so sorry for the pain I have caused, but am grateful for the joy I have experienced.  I am thankful for your friendship, for the sacrifices you have made for my children and me.  I am sorry for pushing you into being someone you aren’t and not giving you the space to find out who you really are. 

You have taught me to be comfortable with myself. You never made fun of me or picked me apart, as I did you. You supported me in my soul searching ventures.  You found a way to get me things that I wanted, only to be tossed aside when I finally got them.  Never satisfied with what I had with you.

I let the outside world creep in and ruin it.  By the time I realized it the damage had been done.  I put up the walls and don’t know how to take them down.  I would like to, I really would, but I don’t know how.  Maybe in a few years it will come back.  When we both grow up some more.  When we find out who we are as individuals.  How can we compliment each other when we don’t know ourselves as individuals? 

To quote Rascal Flatts,”My wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to…” You will always have a piece of my heart, and be my friend.  I want you to be involved in my kids lives if that is what you want.  You have been in our lives for five years and hope it is much longer.

You can’t always get what you want…

This is the first of what I am sure will be an abundance of blogs this weekend.  I have issues. This is my way to vent and much venting needs to be done.

We all want to be heard and understood.  I get that.  If you want me to understand your point of view then maybe it should make sense.  Maybe, just maybe your point of view should be realistic. 

Just because your stressed, doesn’t mean that everyone needs to make adjustments to their lives in order to make yours easier.  We all have stress, everyone of us.  I am not getting another job or quitting school just so that your life may be a little less stressful.   I love my job and love going to school.  I am not going to school just to have something to do, I am trying to get a degree, be something, earn more in a field that I love.  I am not failing in spite you or to make school go on longer.  I failed because my life is a pressure cooker and its kind of hard to concentrate on formulas that you don’t understand in the first place, when you are trying to keep everyone happy around you. 

When I get a new job, it will be on my terms. When I hand over every paycheck, extra school money and tromp down to social services it will all be counted.  My contributions are just as important as yours.  Fuck you! That’s what I want to say.  If my contributions don’t count then I can gladly find something else to spend it on.  That is so not a problem. 

Men for centuries have been paying the brunt of household expenses. Blame women’s lib, the economy or hell,  even the position of the moon if you would like, because I make less than you.    Don’t tell me that I am doing nothing and you are doing it all.  I work, take care of a home, children, animals, and am a full time student.  I have had to cut back on classes because its too much for me to cram into an already full schedule.  Shall I do a job I hate for more money and more hours, and maybe just give up on everything else but that job, so that you can be a little less stressed?  No way!