My life in chaos

I should be sleeping but I just can't. Everything feels out of control and its throwing me off, mentally and physically. I realized after last night that writing seems to clear my mind some, so here it goes.

Every facet of my life seems to be in a state of chaos. Don't get me wrong things would seem to be moving right along but to me its a mess. I still live with my ex-boyfriend. That in itself is weird. I work with his mother, his aunt, oh and my much older and married boyfriend. Getting weirder by the second right? We will now go to the next level of weirdness and say that said ex-boyfriend watches my daughter, takes the other to work and still offers to rub my feet or anything else when given the chance. Since breaking up there has also been the few moments of weakness when sexual tension, shall we say, has taken over.

Now we can move onto my relationship with said married man. We have been together for a year now. It started out as friends and flirting, moved to occasional rendezvous and somehow love has blossomed. Still he is still married, still goes home to his wife every night. I am the lady in waiting. I know how he feels, I know how I feel and yet... As I mentioned above we work together. We are totally out in the open at work. Everyone knows. Hell they were talking before the fact if you know anything about work place gossip.

Now that my love life is out there, maybe we should get to my children. Youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest? Really does it matter? I have problems with almost all of them.

My eldest, wisest child believes she is my mother, can parent her siblings better than I can (but doesn't offer to do it herself), is much better at picking men for me (which she probably is) and can handle my money far more responsibly than I. Don't get me wrong. We do have a very good relationship, even though it is a bit strange. If you know me at all then this wouldn't surprise you. I confide in her almost as much as my BFF. Some things I just don't tell her because she is very judgemental. She is a very mature girl for her age but also sees everything as black & white. There is only gray in her life, not anyone else's. She is very good with her money, and when she loans you some she owns you, so pay back fast!

Lets move on to the next youngest who is 15 months and 20 days younger. He too is my parent, he offers parenting advice as well, and as an added bonus when I don't do what he wants when he wants me to declares me dead to him for months at a time. By the way when I am alive again I suddenly become the first national bank of mommy who can just give money away. Another child who deems all of my decisions as wrong and doesn't hold back on letting me know it. Now he will tell you that he makes horrible decisions but we mustn't judge him or call him out on it cause it makes him feel bad. He is a decent young adult when he wants to be, has a girlfriend now, so that has shifted his priorities, but can't handle money for anything. He has big time daddy issues so I get all the anger and rage aimed right at me. I take it. I let him talk to me like shit a lot of the time. Just call me mommy the doormat.

Onto child number three. I am stressed over this child and don't even know her. When she was conceived times were very tough and I knew I couldn't handle bringing another child into the mess that was my life. The best I could think to do, short of an abortion, was to give her away. This was by no means an easy decision or an irresponsible decision as many people have told me it was. Yes I have heard what kind of mother gives her child away from those who said they loved me. This mother did and now that child goes to a college I could never afford to send her to, went to a private school and competitively rides horses. I haven't met her yet, am really afraid to actually. She turned 18 this past week and now I have the opportunity to meet a new person. Another stress added.

Well I believe I have written enough for one evening and must now try and get a few hours of sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can continue this.

Dear Catharine

You don't know me. You look just like me though. I wonder if you have any of my qualities. If you have any of the qualities of your father. I want to know if you wonder where you come from or should I say who you come from.

I wonder who I come from, since I was adopted too. If I have siblings. I would love to meet them and maybe get some kind of history. Do you wonder the same things?

Your life is much better because of my decision, but I have always wondered and thought of you. I tried not to attach myself to you, but I did. I remember so many details about that day. You were the only baby that I ever had go to the due date. I have always wondered about that.

I would love to get know you and the woman you have become. I am also scared to death to meet you. I always felt like white trash around your parents and I don't want to let you down. I have a tendency to let everyone in my life down at least once.

Decisions are always hard

I miss you. A lot. How did this happen? I knew going in what it would mean and thought I could handle it. Its getting harder with each passing week.

I know its a big decision to make. Twenty years is a long time to be with someone. There is history, memories that you share. It's a big step. Major life decisions are never easy, especially when hurting someone is inevitable.

You call me more and more when you are away from me. Too many people know now for it to stay quiet much longer. You say you don't care if we get caught, yet I wonder. If you want her to know then maybe you should tell her. It's hard to do, trust me. A very wise woman told me it's better to come from you. Believe me it is.

I don't want you to do this for me. I want you to do this because you say you can't stand to be home or with her. Even if you aren't with me, I want you to be happy and not just satisfied.

You've never given me any reason in the past year to not believe you. You haven't given me promises of anything more than what we have. You know you ask me for things, that by all rights you shouldn't be asking. Things that I probably wouldn't even be tempted to do if you were with me. Right now you can't give me that. Again I understand.

I have you more hours of the day then she does and yet I want more. I don't even know if you can handle all of me, but I think you may come closer than any before.

I am trying my best to just live with the situation and be happy with what I have. I am not a patient woman by any means. I love you. I do.

The story of shed

Shed was only in our lives for a little over a year but he touched us all. Amity and Oz went on a hunting expedition for the kittens living under the our neighbors' shed. They managed to catch one, with the help of Amity's shirt.

Brandi kept an eye on him,actually she laid outside his cage or stayed next to who ever was holding him. We held him until he no longer wanted to eat us when he saw us. Amity had to teach him how to eat solid food! It wasn't long before he was out and about in the house on his own. Out and about may not be the right phrase, since he kept going under and inside the couch.

We were going to find a home for him, but I think he decided he wanted to be with us. While Amity was away in Mississippi, I fell in love with those puss -in- boots eyes of his and he had a home with us.

From the moment we decided he was ours, Shed brought joy to everyone who was around him. Even when he shredded every roll of toilet paper, we couldn't help but love him. He came to us when we came home, walked across my back when I fed him every morning and followed me around more than the dogs.

Shed left us far too soon, but also left his legacy. His son Fred lives with us now. Sometimes I look at him and think Shed? then I remember. We will miss snuggling with him and I will miss my buddy when I am getting ready in the morning. I will never look at another roll of toilet paper without thinking of him.

We love you Sheddy