Every facet of my life seems to be in a state of chaos. Don't get me wrong things would seem to be moving right along but to me its a mess. I still live with my ex-boyfriend. That in itself is weird. I work with his mother, his aunt, oh and my much older and married boyfriend. Getting weirder by the second right? We will now go to the next level of weirdness and say that said ex-boyfriend watches my daughter, takes the other to work and still offers to rub my feet or anything else when given the chance. Since breaking up there has also been the few moments of weakness when sexual tension, shall we say, has taken over.
Now we can move onto my relationship with said married man. We have been together for a year now. It started out as friends and flirting, moved to occasional rendezvous and somehow love has blossomed. Still he is still married, still goes home to his wife every night. I am the lady in waiting. I know how he feels, I know how I feel and yet... As I mentioned above we work together. We are totally out in the open at work. Everyone knows. Hell they were talking before the fact if you know anything about work place gossip.
Now that my love life is out there, maybe we should get to my children. Youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest? Really does it matter? I have problems with almost all of them.
My eldest, wisest child believes she is my mother, can parent her siblings better than I can (but doesn't offer to do it herself), is much better at picking men for me (which she probably is) and can handle my money far more responsibly than I. Don't get me wrong. We do have a very good relationship, even though it is a bit strange. If you know me at all then this wouldn't surprise you. I confide in her almost as much as my BFF. Some things I just don't tell her because she is very judgemental. She is a very mature girl for her age but also sees everything as black & white. There is only gray in her life, not anyone else's. She is very good with her money, and when she loans you some she owns you, so pay back fast!
Lets move on to the next youngest who is 15 months and 20 days younger. He too is my parent, he offers parenting advice as well, and as an added bonus when I don't do what he wants when he wants me to declares me dead to him for months at a time. By the way when I am alive again I suddenly become the first national bank of mommy who can just give money away. Another child who deems all of my decisions as wrong and doesn't hold back on letting me know it. Now he will tell you that he makes horrible decisions but we mustn't judge him or call him out on it cause it makes him feel bad. He is a decent young adult when he wants to be, has a girlfriend now, so that has shifted his priorities, but can't handle money for anything. He has big time daddy issues so I get all the anger and rage aimed right at me. I take it. I let him talk to me like shit a lot of the time. Just call me mommy the doormat.
Onto child number three. I am stressed over this child and don't even know her. When she was conceived times were very tough and I knew I couldn't handle bringing another child into the mess that was my life. The best I could think to do, short of an abortion, was to give her away. This was by no means an easy decision or an irresponsible decision as many people have told me it was. Yes I have heard what kind of mother gives her child away from those who said they loved me. This mother did and now that child goes to a college I could never afford to send her to, went to a private school and competitively rides horses. I haven't met her yet, am really afraid to actually. She turned 18 this past week and now I have the opportunity to meet a new person. Another stress added.
Well I believe I have written enough for one evening and must now try and get a few hours of sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can continue this.
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