full moons, winter solstice & lunar eclipses

The full moon brings something out in me, or should I say makes me look inward each month. A time to re-evaluate my life from month to month. This full moon brings much more introspection. Maybe because its the end of another year? Whatever it is, I am definitely in some kind of introspective funk.

Have I done any good this month, or year? Am I a better person than I was in January? These are some of the questions that have been popping into my head all day. Lunar pull or hormonal pull? Whatever the reason, it is here so I may as well go with the flow.

I don't think I am a bad person per say. My ethics and morals don't always meet with the norm, but I really try to harm no one, while living and loving to the fullest. As a text book Leo, I tend to protect those I love. When you hurt me, you have lost me. I have hurt people this year, not on purpose, but have hurt them none-the-less. I have fallen in love and out of love this year. I think the out of love may have begun last year, but it really hit me in 2010.

I have become more confident at my job. More willing to take on new challenges and know that I will succeed and where my strengths lie. I feel like an adult now. Let's clarify that. I feel like an adult in my career. I know I won't be doing this forever and I haven't given up on school. For the moment though, I really do love my job. Some days I wonder, but I know it won't last forever and all crises will come to an end.

In growing in my career, I have neglected some other aspects of my life. I won't say neglected, just not as much effort has been put into being a mommy , my spiritual growth or even being a BFF. I apologize profusely to those who have suffered from this lack and will try to do better in the coming year. I tend to have tunnel vision until I become bored with something. Bare with me please and don't let me forget whats truly important.

I am also asking for clarity this evening and for the coming year. Clarity to see through situations that aren't the best for me. I want to be able to have a conversion and agreement of head, heart and spirit. I want to learn from every relationship and to be able to teach too. I realize I am still learning and yet have lessons to teach those who are willing to learn from mine.

I can look around me and see those who are still in my life after years. Those who I drift away from and who have drifted away from me only to drift back to each other when we are most needed. I have learned to be there to catch them when they fall, but to give them the space and confidence to try. I have also learned those who are there for me when I fall and forgive me for my indiscretions. Those who really count, don't say I told you so, just very gently remind me when I am making the same mistake again. For those people, I love you and are eternally grateful for your presence in my life.

I thought I was smarter than this.

According to astrologers, a full moon lunar eclipse that falls on winter solstice is rare and has an extreme amount of effect on us. From my strange mood yesterday and my uncontrollable need to suddenly blog again, I believe this to be true. According to one article I read, this is a time of communication, a time of change and a time to take a long, hard look at the situations in our lives that are holding us back. I knew none of this until just a bit ago, and yet I am a true believer just from the randomness of my thoughts and actions of the last 24 hours or so.

Agreements have been made in my life that I thought I could live up to or at the very least accept. So far, I have accepted these and kept up to my end of the bargain, no matter how difficult. You seem to be having more trouble being the happily married man on the weekends. You call me and text me more and more every weekend. It's harder for us to part on Friday's and we so look forward to Mondays. Why can't you see this isn't good for us? How much of an "us" is there really when our lives can't mesh as those in a relationship should? We are together throughout the work week and I am left to my own devices on the weekends. These are the times when I want and need you the most.

I thought I was a strong, intelligent, independent woman. You have somehow turned me into a teenager pining away for her crush, unable to concentrate, sitting by the phone waiting for your call or text. I think you want the rights of a boyfriend, but do you really deserve them?

I want to tell her the truth, the whole truth but I can't out of the fact that it isn't my place. How is this improving either of our lives? You are prolonging the inevitable decision that needs to be made by one of us. I know in my heart that you love me, I also know, that should I have to make the decision, it will be incredibly hard on me. I fear that I will most likely fall back into whats comfortable and there waiting for me to return, whether its good for me or not.

I believe with every fiber in me, that for some reason you are who is best for me right now. Maybe its vice-versa. I could just be the answer to your questions and your too afraid to take the next step. Change is never easy and my decisions keep wavering. Just know that one day soon, a decision will be made. I will put much thought into it, listen to my heart and my inner voice before making such decision.

I understand how scary change can be. I don't think it could be any scarier than trying to be a single mother to two teenagers and two children in elementary school. It's not fair to any of us to keep this up. When you are with her you are thinking of me and when you are with me you are always on the look out for someone who may blow our cover.

This seems like much rambling to me at this moment, yet makes perfect sense all at the same time. I don't know what the next 6 months may hold, I do know that you make me smile, you make me happy, you encourage me and protect me. I know what I want, I just don't know if you do.

My life in chaos

I should be sleeping but I just can't. Everything feels out of control and its throwing me off, mentally and physically. I realized after last night that writing seems to clear my mind some, so here it goes.

Every facet of my life seems to be in a state of chaos. Don't get me wrong things would seem to be moving right along but to me its a mess. I still live with my ex-boyfriend. That in itself is weird. I work with his mother, his aunt, oh and my much older and married boyfriend. Getting weirder by the second right? We will now go to the next level of weirdness and say that said ex-boyfriend watches my daughter, takes the other to work and still offers to rub my feet or anything else when given the chance. Since breaking up there has also been the few moments of weakness when sexual tension, shall we say, has taken over.

Now we can move onto my relationship with said married man. We have been together for a year now. It started out as friends and flirting, moved to occasional rendezvous and somehow love has blossomed. Still he is still married, still goes home to his wife every night. I am the lady in waiting. I know how he feels, I know how I feel and yet... As I mentioned above we work together. We are totally out in the open at work. Everyone knows. Hell they were talking before the fact if you know anything about work place gossip.

Now that my love life is out there, maybe we should get to my children. Youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest? Really does it matter? I have problems with almost all of them.

My eldest, wisest child believes she is my mother, can parent her siblings better than I can (but doesn't offer to do it herself), is much better at picking men for me (which she probably is) and can handle my money far more responsibly than I. Don't get me wrong. We do have a very good relationship, even though it is a bit strange. If you know me at all then this wouldn't surprise you. I confide in her almost as much as my BFF. Some things I just don't tell her because she is very judgemental. She is a very mature girl for her age but also sees everything as black & white. There is only gray in her life, not anyone else's. She is very good with her money, and when she loans you some she owns you, so pay back fast!

Lets move on to the next youngest who is 15 months and 20 days younger. He too is my parent, he offers parenting advice as well, and as an added bonus when I don't do what he wants when he wants me to declares me dead to him for months at a time. By the way when I am alive again I suddenly become the first national bank of mommy who can just give money away. Another child who deems all of my decisions as wrong and doesn't hold back on letting me know it. Now he will tell you that he makes horrible decisions but we mustn't judge him or call him out on it cause it makes him feel bad. He is a decent young adult when he wants to be, has a girlfriend now, so that has shifted his priorities, but can't handle money for anything. He has big time daddy issues so I get all the anger and rage aimed right at me. I take it. I let him talk to me like shit a lot of the time. Just call me mommy the doormat.

Onto child number three. I am stressed over this child and don't even know her. When she was conceived times were very tough and I knew I couldn't handle bringing another child into the mess that was my life. The best I could think to do, short of an abortion, was to give her away. This was by no means an easy decision or an irresponsible decision as many people have told me it was. Yes I have heard what kind of mother gives her child away from those who said they loved me. This mother did and now that child goes to a college I could never afford to send her to, went to a private school and competitively rides horses. I haven't met her yet, am really afraid to actually. She turned 18 this past week and now I have the opportunity to meet a new person. Another stress added.

Well I believe I have written enough for one evening and must now try and get a few hours of sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can continue this.

Dear Catharine

You don't know me. You look just like me though. I wonder if you have any of my qualities. If you have any of the qualities of your father. I want to know if you wonder where you come from or should I say who you come from.

I wonder who I come from, since I was adopted too. If I have siblings. I would love to meet them and maybe get some kind of history. Do you wonder the same things?

Your life is much better because of my decision, but I have always wondered and thought of you. I tried not to attach myself to you, but I did. I remember so many details about that day. You were the only baby that I ever had go to the due date. I have always wondered about that.

I would love to get know you and the woman you have become. I am also scared to death to meet you. I always felt like white trash around your parents and I don't want to let you down. I have a tendency to let everyone in my life down at least once.

Decisions are always hard

I miss you. A lot. How did this happen? I knew going in what it would mean and thought I could handle it. Its getting harder with each passing week.

I know its a big decision to make. Twenty years is a long time to be with someone. There is history, memories that you share. It's a big step. Major life decisions are never easy, especially when hurting someone is inevitable.

You call me more and more when you are away from me. Too many people know now for it to stay quiet much longer. You say you don't care if we get caught, yet I wonder. If you want her to know then maybe you should tell her. It's hard to do, trust me. A very wise woman told me it's better to come from you. Believe me it is.

I don't want you to do this for me. I want you to do this because you say you can't stand to be home or with her. Even if you aren't with me, I want you to be happy and not just satisfied.

You've never given me any reason in the past year to not believe you. You haven't given me promises of anything more than what we have. You know you ask me for things, that by all rights you shouldn't be asking. Things that I probably wouldn't even be tempted to do if you were with me. Right now you can't give me that. Again I understand.

I have you more hours of the day then she does and yet I want more. I don't even know if you can handle all of me, but I think you may come closer than any before.

I am trying my best to just live with the situation and be happy with what I have. I am not a patient woman by any means. I love you. I do.

The story of shed

Shed was only in our lives for a little over a year but he touched us all. Amity and Oz went on a hunting expedition for the kittens living under the our neighbors' shed. They managed to catch one, with the help of Amity's shirt.

Brandi kept an eye on him,actually she laid outside his cage or stayed next to who ever was holding him. We held him until he no longer wanted to eat us when he saw us. Amity had to teach him how to eat solid food! It wasn't long before he was out and about in the house on his own. Out and about may not be the right phrase, since he kept going under and inside the couch.

We were going to find a home for him, but I think he decided he wanted to be with us. While Amity was away in Mississippi, I fell in love with those puss -in- boots eyes of his and he had a home with us.

From the moment we decided he was ours, Shed brought joy to everyone who was around him. Even when he shredded every roll of toilet paper, we couldn't help but love him. He came to us when we came home, walked across my back when I fed him every morning and followed me around more than the dogs.

Shed left us far too soon, but also left his legacy. His son Fred lives with us now. Sometimes I look at him and think Shed? then I remember. We will miss snuggling with him and I will miss my buddy when I am getting ready in the morning. I will never look at another roll of toilet paper without thinking of him.

We love you Sheddy

Love the way you lie...

I have just seen the video for "Love the way you lie". Yeah I know I should have already seen it before now but hey.

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I was watching it over and over. Suddenly it hit me. That was my life from 16-24. Add 2 small children and there was my life. I am far from being that person, but she is still in there. My abuse could have been worse, much worse, but it was still abuse. I think the verbal abuse is what hurt the most. It still does. I can still hear it. Never will it go away.

I am stronger now than I was then. I couldn't have done it without my sister or my best friend behind me. I wish my children never knew anything of it. They too are stronger as a result, but they too have scars. Scars much deeper than mine and for that I am deeply sorry that I let them endure even a second of it.

Talk the talk or keep putting it off...

Clarity is what I need. Talks I must have. Sorry if I am sounding Yoda-like but my BFF gives Yoda-like advice.

So there is the "I am not in love with you" talk, the "I need to know where we stand" talk and the ever popular " You are NOT my mother" talk.

Maybe I should start with the easiest. "You are NOT my mother". Very simply I am almost 40 years old and this is my house. I can have a relationship, adult in fashion, with whomever I choose. If I care to bring such person back to my home, this is my prerogative. End of discussion!

The other two talks are much more difficult. I think they may even require notes on index cards and tissues. These talks must be well thought out and without distraction. Oh my this is going to be difficult.

No more single digits

Baby #4 has now entered into the world of double digits. I can't believe a decade has gone by already, since I can remember watching "Survivor" the night she was born. Gervase was the one voted out that night, just in case anyone wants to know.

She has been the easiest going of all of my children. Don't get me wrong, she throws fits that would make anyone cringe in horror, but she is accepting of change and new people. She is my social butterfly, talking to almost anyone. She has had her father wrapped around her little finger since she was born, and has since wrapped every man who is in her life around the rest of her fingers.

She is a teenager in a little girl body, but still clings tightly to those she holds dear. The smallest in the house with the biggest attitude. She doesn't hold back on letting you know what she is thinking, even though you really don't want to know sometimes.

Happy birthday to my baby. My last baby is growing up and I look forward to seeing the woman she will become.

Know before you judge me

I can't be what everyone wants. I can't carry the load for everyone because they fall short. I want to be happy. If being with him makes me happy, even if temporarily should I pass it up cause no one else agrees or thinks its morally wrong? Who are you to judge me?

Mother of the year I definitely won't get. No one teaches you how to balance work, kids, home and happiness. There is no right owners manual and you need to try new things constantly to see if they work. Unless you have lived for many years and gone through various life phases, you just don't know. We all make decisions based on where we are at the time. They may not be the right ones in the long run, but they are ours and we must own them.

Every child is different and can't be raised in the same way. Parents divorce, new people come into their lives, housing situations change. We can only do so much, especially when they reach an age when they want you around but not bother them. Sitting and waiting for someone to need me then jumping when they bellow is not my idea of happiness.

Suzie homemaker I am not. Been there done that. Basing my needs and happiness on the needs and happiness levels of my children's momentary wants isn't doing anyone any good. I love my children but it doesn't give them the right to tell me how I should or shouldn't run my life. It doesn't give them the right to disrespect me cause they don't understand the big picture.

Life unfolds in little pieces. You don't get the big picture all at once. There are many sides to people and those too change constantly.

The closing of the door

As the old saying goes, “When one door closes, another opens” Sometimes its a window but the door is still shut. 

It hurts. No matter how bad things were, it still hurts.  There was something there, no matter how small. 
We were happy in our little world. You were my knight in shining armor. Helping me through tough times, really tough times. You were all I had. I cried to you. The only man I have ever wanted to see me cry. You held me and and told me it would all be ok. You bought me trail mix and made me smile.  Your childlike innocence mixed with a man finding his way was like a breath of fresh air in a stagnant room.

I forced you into a position you weren’t ready for. You grudgingly came along. Like a child thrown into the deep end, you struggled,  flailing about looking for help.  I assumed you could swim and dove into save you to late.

I am so sorry for the pain I have caused, but am grateful for the joy I have experienced.  I am thankful for your friendship, for the sacrifices you have made for my children and me.  I am sorry for pushing you into being someone you aren’t and not giving you the space to find out who you really are. 

You have taught me to be comfortable with myself. You never made fun of me or picked me apart, as I did you. You supported me in my soul searching ventures.  You found a way to get me things that I wanted, only to be tossed aside when I finally got them.  Never satisfied with what I had with you.

I let the outside world creep in and ruin it.  By the time I realized it the damage had been done.  I put up the walls and don’t know how to take them down.  I would like to, I really would, but I don’t know how.  Maybe in a few years it will come back.  When we both grow up some more.  When we find out who we are as individuals.  How can we compliment each other when we don’t know ourselves as individuals? 

To quote Rascal Flatts,”My wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to…” You will always have a piece of my heart, and be my friend.  I want you to be involved in my kids lives if that is what you want.  You have been in our lives for five years and hope it is much longer.

You can’t always get what you want…

This is the first of what I am sure will be an abundance of blogs this weekend.  I have issues. This is my way to vent and much venting needs to be done.

We all want to be heard and understood.  I get that.  If you want me to understand your point of view then maybe it should make sense.  Maybe, just maybe your point of view should be realistic. 

Just because your stressed, doesn’t mean that everyone needs to make adjustments to their lives in order to make yours easier.  We all have stress, everyone of us.  I am not getting another job or quitting school just so that your life may be a little less stressful.   I love my job and love going to school.  I am not going to school just to have something to do, I am trying to get a degree, be something, earn more in a field that I love.  I am not failing in spite you or to make school go on longer.  I failed because my life is a pressure cooker and its kind of hard to concentrate on formulas that you don’t understand in the first place, when you are trying to keep everyone happy around you. 

When I get a new job, it will be on my terms. When I hand over every paycheck, extra school money and tromp down to social services it will all be counted.  My contributions are just as important as yours.  Fuck you! That’s what I want to say.  If my contributions don’t count then I can gladly find something else to spend it on.  That is so not a problem. 

Men for centuries have been paying the brunt of household expenses. Blame women’s lib, the economy or hell,  even the position of the moon if you would like, because I make less than you.    Don’t tell me that I am doing nothing and you are doing it all.  I work, take care of a home, children, animals, and am a full time student.  I have had to cut back on classes because its too much for me to cram into an already full schedule.  Shall I do a job I hate for more money and more hours, and maybe just give up on everything else but that job, so that you can be a little less stressed?  No way!  

How on target the horoscope can be…

 

This is my horoscope for the day: Relationships can be quite odd -- they often develop minds of their own once they've been established! For the past few weeks, you've been trying to keep one of your own on its leash, but it hasn't been cooperating well, and it isn't getting any tamer. Whether it's platonic, romantic or professional, it's still a challenge to keep it out of the fire. Hang tough and see if you can work this out.

Both have minds of their own and are spiraling out of control.  One on a downward, one on an upward.  Neither of the people involved in these relationships seem to see the spiraling.  Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t want to admit being out of control.  Whatever it is that they feel, I can tell you that our relationships have a mind of their own, no matter how much I try to analyze and be in control. 

Hang tough huh?  How long exactly do you hang? Until your hands loose circulation and you fall from mere exhaustion?   The sweat is building up on my hands and I am losing my grip.  I hope I don’t lose myself by the time this is over. 

So glad this week is over

 

Monday I found out I failed at least half of my classes and would most likely lose my federal funding.  That in turn showed me who really knows me and cares about me.  Someone, somehow decided that I wanted to take a semester off and just responded, “Ok”.  Here I was, and this person, who says he loves and cares about me, says “Ok”.  There lies the breaking point in our relationship.

So now I have been pushed off the proverbial fence that I have been sitting on.  So then we decide, through texting, that  maybe it would be best to break up.  This news isn’t devastating to me, as I have seen it coming. Our relationship has been on life support for months. Really how much longer did we think it would continue?  Why does he  seem blind-sided by this?  Can anyone really be that oblivious?  Ok, he can. 

So how do you break up with someone when you own a house together, a car and share a bank account?  This I can’t tell you yet.  I really need to find an answer because I believe he has forgotten the many conversations of the last week and is continuing like normal.  May I just say, WTF?!  Seriously?! Wow!

why?

Right now I should be doing so many other things than what I am doing. I have all these things to say to two different people and really can't say anything to either. I have questions to ask but maybe I really don't want the answers. Either way, asking or telling, once they are out of my mouth could change everything for a lot of people.

I have analyzed cues, scenarios and situations. I have soul searched and pondered what it would be like without either of these two people in my life and what it would be like with them both in different roles. I have made decisions, came up with a game plan and totally backed out because of the what if's. I have evaluated every cue, scenario and situation by what they could or couldn't mean. I have only managed to become more confused.

So now I am taking note of the times that just feel right. Weighing the pros and cons of both of these people and observing. So matters of the heart shouldn't be based scientific evidence or facts. There is too much at stake for things just to be out there blowing in the breeze.

complicated

So why do things go along nice and smoothly. I resolve myself to the fact that this is the way its gonna be, then BAM he throws me for a loop. Heart to hearts are had and I am back to wanting what I can't have. My resolve is washed away along with what's left of my sanity.

Everytime those 4's come up my life gets a little more complicated. If it's the angels, say what you mean or leave me alone. Why dangle something in my face when I can't have it? Where is my white picket fence and happily ever after? Do I really want that to begin with? Hell, I have no idea at this point.

I do know that I get bored easily and need someone to keep things exciting. I need someone who can stand up to me when I start to get out of control or roar too loud about stupid things. That person won't be perfect or worship me, I so don't want that. I want flaws and all because then I won't feel the pressure to live up to such high standards. I want...

So what do you do when you fall in love with someone you can't have and don't even know for certain that they love you back? I suppose I will keep playing the game until it all comes to a head or someone gives in and declares game over.

Mother's Day 2010

Mother's Day is the day to honor our mother's. Maybe it should be to honor the women who are not our mothers, but are just as important. These are the aunt's, sisters, and other women who care for us, guide us, share in our ups and downs. These women understand us and want the best for us. Sounds like a mom to me.

I lost my mom when I was 21. Long before then, my sister was a lot like my mom. Where my mom slipped up, she caught me. I love my mom, I really do, but I think of my sister as more of my mom. She was my rock when things in her life were off kilter but I needed her. She made sure there was always a roof over my head, and my children's, and plenty of food. Even though she had two children of her own, my children and I, were just as important.

She was at both of my weddings, not agreeing with either, mind you. But she was there. She was at the birth of my first child, she was actually the first to hold her. When both of my marriages went into the toilet, she was there to catch me and help me steady myself.

She was there when our parents passed. The rock who knew what to do. Her life was hard, really hard. She was my role model and my hero. And I love her very much. I don't know where I would be without her. Thank you Wanda.

school really does make me think

So I need to write a research paper for English. Here is the idea: affairs. This is such a broad topic that I don't know where to start.

There seems to be a rash of people having affairs. Political leaders, movie stars, professional athletes. It's not just those in power or those who are supposed to be 'role models'. It's the man next door or your kids room mom. Affairs are the symptom to a problem and no one seems to be taking notice of this. Everyone seems to be focusing on the affair (or affairs) themselves, not on the problems of why people have affairs.

Are affairs socially acceptable now? Are they acceptable for men? women? Is it the other woman's fault? Is she a harlot praying on susceptible married men? Is it the men's fault for playing with a poor woman's heart?

Do the people having affairs understand how their actions are affecting others? Do they truly think the other is going to leave their spouse? Is it just about sex and could it turn into something else?

These are all questions to be answered on one topic. Where to begin? Do I go about this scientifically? I will start with the definition and move from there. This should be interesting.

what a wacky weird day

Right now I should be doing school work. With the day I have had, who can concentrate on psych 101?

My eldest child has decided she needed a hobby. I am all for hobbies, really I am, but this one is a little weird. Her new hobby is to rescue the kittens that live in our neighborhood and the mommy so we can get her fixed so that the kitten hobby can come to an end. One kitten was caught about 3 weeks ago, a beautiful little girl we call beyonce. My neighbor trapped the other kitten and mommy so we had to bail them out of "kitty jail" , otherwise known as animal control. Now there are 3 new cats within 3 weeks. For most people this wouldn't be a problem, but I already have 7, one of them being a rescue from the summer.

Now for the interesting part. Animal control agreed that they were girls. They went to the vet today and guess what. Momma is now known as Roger. Yeah Roger. Now we have no idea who the mother is of these gorgeous kittens, but we do know that Roger is a wonderful mother nonetheless. We would be the people to rescue a cat with gender identity issues. That's us, keeper of the kittys, crazy cat ladies, this is the house that cats built, so on and so forth.

These bizarre happenings went down before noon. I then go to work and have odd relationship issues happening that I can't go into. Just know that I am more confused about where things stand and where they are going. That old head and heart battle is raging on and all I can do is sit and wait. That drives me crazy! When I want to know something, I want to know NOW!

So this is the day that threw me a little off kilter and my schedule way off. I think a hot bath and mind numbing tv are in order. Oh wait, it's Tuesday and this is the night that I flip channels like a mad woman. Well maybe some answers will come to me in my sleep on at least one of my issues.

The view from where I stand

It's time to evaluate my life and my views. These tend to change without me even realizing it. Often. I try to ask myself a few questions when I realize that my old views just aren't sitting well anymore.

Some of these views I have changed my opinion on are religious tolerance, relationships and the dynamics of these, child rearing and political views. I won't go into too much much detail on my political views, but I will enlighten you on all the others.

As for religious tolerance, you can practice whatever you like, please don't try and jam it down my throat or judge me for mine. I have actually changed my religious views many times in the last decade and wonder if I may just change it again. I think this time may be the last because this time its actually spiritual not religion. I am trying to reach a higher spiritual level which isn't just a list of rules and regulations.

Relationships. This is a hot topic in my life lately. First they are what they are. You can't catagorize them. There are relationships based solely on sex. Some have drastic age differences or maturity levels. Others are different races or same gender. They are what we make of them, what we need them to be and only as long as we need them to be that way. I no longer believe in forever, just the time we need to learn from each the lessons to go onto the next level or until we no longer agree on the state of the relationship. If one person in said relationship is no longer able to live without compromising their core being for the sake of the other, maybe it is time to re-evaluate. Compromise is one thing, losing yourself for a relationship with someone is totally different.

My child rearing views have changed somewhat with both sets of my children. I say sets because I have 2 twenty-somethings and a middle- school and elementary-school age children. My views have never been politically correct. I believe in beating butts when needed. It is needed a lot in my house, more than I actually do it. Raising children with the internet is also a new frontier and I am still feeling my way through this. My youngest children have the influence of their older siblings, much more "stuff" and divorced parents. I am also a working mother who is in college full time with these children. These are all factors in parenting that I am learning to deal with. I think I am more lost parenting these two then I was the older two. I am seeing things in my children and their friends I wouldn't have dreamed of knowing or doing until I was in my teens. Maybe the other parents are having the same problems as I am and we are just all trying to feel our way through this.

My views change over the years so I am imagining I am maturing and not just getting older. I hope this means that I am growing as well. I think so and I kinda like the me I have become a little more every year.

how do you explain?

How do you explain to someone, who has no idea, how to be a responsible adult? No one explained it to me, yet I turned into one without sacrificing any of my children to the learning curve. I am angry at parents who shelter their children then wonder why they have no life skills. You are not born with these skills, childhood is to learn these skills along with coping skills when life doesn't go your way

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I am now left with the responsibility of not only raising my own children,who have pretty successfully mastered these skills, but to teach another woman's son the lessons she neglectfully didn't teach him. I don't believe this woman neglected these lessons to punish her child, but to protect him from being hurt. Now he is being hurt because I have run out of patience. This woman was also raised in an era where men go to work and women do everything else, not that this is an excuse for lack of parenting,but some sort of reasoning. I am going to assume because I have a vagina is the only reason I have any kind of life skills, as my mother was raised in the same era.

I am a total believer that how we were parented, our birth order and, to some extent, or sun sign goes into making us who we are as adults. I am also a strong believer that growth is a necessary part of life and if you don't like the person you grew into it can be changed.

Challenges are a part of life and if you don't know how to find solutions to these challenges you never grow. Why would anyone do this to there child? It hurts me deeply when my children are in pain, but time heals and we learn. When they are met with these painful situations at a later point in time, they are a little tougher and a little smarter. It may still hurt, but not as much. This process continues throughout life and *poof* I am now the parent of two responsible (for the most part) adults.

Thank you for your patience in my ranting, I now feel better.

getting it together

So I decided that I am gonna get it together. Really. Get it together.

It's Monday evening and I did pretty good. There are many things I didn't do and things I did instead of doing what I should have been doing. I would say this is a good start to the week though.

My problem is never Mondays, because I am great at making that first attempt, it's keeping up the routine. Today was also easy because I wasn't distracted by a certain person getting me flustered and making it impossible to concentrate on anything, especially algebra.

So I have gotten something done around the house and did at least 1 /4 of my classes for the day. My mind is still easily distracted by the man problems in my life, but I am slowly putting them into perspective. Clarity tends to come when you least expect it, like washing dishes.

My best friend is in need now so these things will be put on the back burner. I am much better at running other people's lives and royally screw up my own. For the time, I will take the distraction of someone Else's problems, get my priorities a little more in line, and let the man problems develop as they will. Maybe they will come up with a solution all on their own. Nah, that is so not gonna happen. That would be a miracle above all miracles there.

spring break revisited

Well a whole week plus a day off of work and school gave me plenty of time to spend with my family and to get things done around the house. I am here to say that if I don't spend anymore quality time with my children and boyfriend in the next 6 weeks it will be too soon.

Everything I had planned for this week didn't get done. My loved ones got on my nerves to the point I thought there may have been a Easter massacre. Another cat came into my home and now I fear she will be staying. She is the least of my problems. Actually I like my animals far more than my family most of the time.

My house is still a mess, if not messier and the school work that I put off in order to get my house clean is now looming over my head. Well now I have a week of papers and tests to look forward to, getting up at 4:30 a.m. again and just trying not to drown in the laundry waiting for me or the dishes that never seem to completely get done.

Back to the grind never looked so good!!!

Here I am AGAIN!!!

How do I keep getting caught in a battle between my head and my heart? This seems to be the story of my life every decade. I know in my head what I want then my heart jumps in and says "Nope.".

How do you fall in love with someone when you don't agree on most fundamental issues, or fall out of love with someone that does nothing more than worship the ground you walk on?

Maybe at one time I needed to know I was worthy of someone's love just for being me. That love has now become smothering and the flaws I once overlooked keep getting more and more pronounced while the good qualities don't seem so good anymore.

On the other hand to love someone that you can't be with unless you loose everything you have worked hard for seems a little like a tease. Its a different kind of love too. Not the burning passion, I can't live without you kind. Sort of safe and non-threatening, but drive you insane nonetheless.

I didn't set out on this juncture to fall in love, just have some fun and I surely don't want to hurt anyone. If I get hurt, then it's all on me, cause I chose this. The damage has been done and I can't stop now. In my head I know I should but I am one who is ruled by my heart no matter how hard I try to chain it up and tell it to mind it's own business.

Sounds kinda strange for someone who is pretty much a realist yet believes in the unseen. I am yin and yang to the extreme. I thought I had changed for the better and became a strong, intelligent woman who knew what she wanted. I suppose I was wrong in that assumption.

What is going on?

How do things get out of control before you know it? How can you be in the middle of something and not know your there until it hits you like a brick wall? Am I really in the middle of something or is it all in my head? Are there signs that I am imagining or missing? These are the questions I have and the only one who has answers, I can’t ask.

Everything was in their respective compartments until it hit me one day just driving home. Things are still in their compartments, just not neatly.

Things are getting messier by the day and I can’t stop it. As a matter of fact, I think I keep making them worse without meaning to.

So how much of “my gut is saying one thing and my head is saying another” do I believe? I have been spending the last 6 months working on opening myself up and trusting my instincts. So if I should go by my gut then something is starting. Where it is going, I don’t know, nor do I want to at this point. That fact would open up too many cans of worms and hurt far too many people for me to be comfortable with. If it’s all in my head then eventually things will even out and all will be good. I can enjoy the best of both worlds until it runs its course.

So I have decided that I will let it go. Adopt a wait and see attitude, if you will. I will try to start on that wall that I have had for years, than for some stupid reason, ripped down. It’s harder to put up the second time, but I think I can do it. I just don’t know how those who were once allowed in will feel when they find out that there will now be a door and secret knock to get in.

Where are my babies?

It has recently been brought to my attention that my baby is going to turn 10 this year. Don't get me wrong, I know her age, but it really sunk in that she is going to be 10! She is the youngest of four and was the tiniest.

I don't think I really appreciate each stage that they go through until it's gone. I always look to the next age and focus on the challenges until BAM! ten years has passed and I want my babies back. Day to day life seems all encompassing until there are too many "I wish I would have"s and "I will get to it next year"s.

All of my kids are good people, have normal problems that come with finding out who they are and what they want from life. I am still trying to know myself and guide them through their problems.

It was so much easier when a freezy pop, hugs and kisses, and a wet paper towel could fix most problems. Now there are tears that can't be dried up by anything and problems that stretch the vast array of personalities that they all have. I am the loaner of money and keeper of traditions, the sounding board and cheerleader.

Motherhood has changed from physically exhausting to emotionally draining. I look to them now for advice. I want the biggest problem to be which footy pajamas to wear not do these pants make my butt look big.