I thought I was smarter than this.

According to astrologers, a full moon lunar eclipse that falls on winter solstice is rare and has an extreme amount of effect on us. From my strange mood yesterday and my uncontrollable need to suddenly blog again, I believe this to be true. According to one article I read, this is a time of communication, a time of change and a time to take a long, hard look at the situations in our lives that are holding us back. I knew none of this until just a bit ago, and yet I am a true believer just from the randomness of my thoughts and actions of the last 24 hours or so.

Agreements have been made in my life that I thought I could live up to or at the very least accept. So far, I have accepted these and kept up to my end of the bargain, no matter how difficult. You seem to be having more trouble being the happily married man on the weekends. You call me and text me more and more every weekend. It's harder for us to part on Friday's and we so look forward to Mondays. Why can't you see this isn't good for us? How much of an "us" is there really when our lives can't mesh as those in a relationship should? We are together throughout the work week and I am left to my own devices on the weekends. These are the times when I want and need you the most.

I thought I was a strong, intelligent, independent woman. You have somehow turned me into a teenager pining away for her crush, unable to concentrate, sitting by the phone waiting for your call or text. I think you want the rights of a boyfriend, but do you really deserve them?

I want to tell her the truth, the whole truth but I can't out of the fact that it isn't my place. How is this improving either of our lives? You are prolonging the inevitable decision that needs to be made by one of us. I know in my heart that you love me, I also know, that should I have to make the decision, it will be incredibly hard on me. I fear that I will most likely fall back into whats comfortable and there waiting for me to return, whether its good for me or not.

I believe with every fiber in me, that for some reason you are who is best for me right now. Maybe its vice-versa. I could just be the answer to your questions and your too afraid to take the next step. Change is never easy and my decisions keep wavering. Just know that one day soon, a decision will be made. I will put much thought into it, listen to my heart and my inner voice before making such decision.

I understand how scary change can be. I don't think it could be any scarier than trying to be a single mother to two teenagers and two children in elementary school. It's not fair to any of us to keep this up. When you are with her you are thinking of me and when you are with me you are always on the look out for someone who may blow our cover.

This seems like much rambling to me at this moment, yet makes perfect sense all at the same time. I don't know what the next 6 months may hold, I do know that you make me smile, you make me happy, you encourage me and protect me. I know what I want, I just don't know if you do.