Know before you judge me

I can't be what everyone wants. I can't carry the load for everyone because they fall short. I want to be happy. If being with him makes me happy, even if temporarily should I pass it up cause no one else agrees or thinks its morally wrong? Who are you to judge me?

Mother of the year I definitely won't get. No one teaches you how to balance work, kids, home and happiness. There is no right owners manual and you need to try new things constantly to see if they work. Unless you have lived for many years and gone through various life phases, you just don't know. We all make decisions based on where we are at the time. They may not be the right ones in the long run, but they are ours and we must own them.

Every child is different and can't be raised in the same way. Parents divorce, new people come into their lives, housing situations change. We can only do so much, especially when they reach an age when they want you around but not bother them. Sitting and waiting for someone to need me then jumping when they bellow is not my idea of happiness.

Suzie homemaker I am not. Been there done that. Basing my needs and happiness on the needs and happiness levels of my children's momentary wants isn't doing anyone any good. I love my children but it doesn't give them the right to tell me how I should or shouldn't run my life. It doesn't give them the right to disrespect me cause they don't understand the big picture.

Life unfolds in little pieces. You don't get the big picture all at once. There are many sides to people and those too change constantly.

The closing of the door

As the old saying goes, “When one door closes, another opens” Sometimes its a window but the door is still shut. 

It hurts. No matter how bad things were, it still hurts.  There was something there, no matter how small. 
We were happy in our little world. You were my knight in shining armor. Helping me through tough times, really tough times. You were all I had. I cried to you. The only man I have ever wanted to see me cry. You held me and and told me it would all be ok. You bought me trail mix and made me smile.  Your childlike innocence mixed with a man finding his way was like a breath of fresh air in a stagnant room.

I forced you into a position you weren’t ready for. You grudgingly came along. Like a child thrown into the deep end, you struggled,  flailing about looking for help.  I assumed you could swim and dove into save you to late.

I am so sorry for the pain I have caused, but am grateful for the joy I have experienced.  I am thankful for your friendship, for the sacrifices you have made for my children and me.  I am sorry for pushing you into being someone you aren’t and not giving you the space to find out who you really are. 

You have taught me to be comfortable with myself. You never made fun of me or picked me apart, as I did you. You supported me in my soul searching ventures.  You found a way to get me things that I wanted, only to be tossed aside when I finally got them.  Never satisfied with what I had with you.

I let the outside world creep in and ruin it.  By the time I realized it the damage had been done.  I put up the walls and don’t know how to take them down.  I would like to, I really would, but I don’t know how.  Maybe in a few years it will come back.  When we both grow up some more.  When we find out who we are as individuals.  How can we compliment each other when we don’t know ourselves as individuals? 

To quote Rascal Flatts,”My wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to…” You will always have a piece of my heart, and be my friend.  I want you to be involved in my kids lives if that is what you want.  You have been in our lives for five years and hope it is much longer.

You can’t always get what you want…

This is the first of what I am sure will be an abundance of blogs this weekend.  I have issues. This is my way to vent and much venting needs to be done.

We all want to be heard and understood.  I get that.  If you want me to understand your point of view then maybe it should make sense.  Maybe, just maybe your point of view should be realistic. 

Just because your stressed, doesn’t mean that everyone needs to make adjustments to their lives in order to make yours easier.  We all have stress, everyone of us.  I am not getting another job or quitting school just so that your life may be a little less stressful.   I love my job and love going to school.  I am not going to school just to have something to do, I am trying to get a degree, be something, earn more in a field that I love.  I am not failing in spite you or to make school go on longer.  I failed because my life is a pressure cooker and its kind of hard to concentrate on formulas that you don’t understand in the first place, when you are trying to keep everyone happy around you. 

When I get a new job, it will be on my terms. When I hand over every paycheck, extra school money and tromp down to social services it will all be counted.  My contributions are just as important as yours.  Fuck you! That’s what I want to say.  If my contributions don’t count then I can gladly find something else to spend it on.  That is so not a problem. 

Men for centuries have been paying the brunt of household expenses. Blame women’s lib, the economy or hell,  even the position of the moon if you would like, because I make less than you.    Don’t tell me that I am doing nothing and you are doing it all.  I work, take care of a home, children, animals, and am a full time student.  I have had to cut back on classes because its too much for me to cram into an already full schedule.  Shall I do a job I hate for more money and more hours, and maybe just give up on everything else but that job, so that you can be a little less stressed?  No way!  

How on target the horoscope can be…

 

This is my horoscope for the day: Relationships can be quite odd -- they often develop minds of their own once they've been established! For the past few weeks, you've been trying to keep one of your own on its leash, but it hasn't been cooperating well, and it isn't getting any tamer. Whether it's platonic, romantic or professional, it's still a challenge to keep it out of the fire. Hang tough and see if you can work this out.

Both have minds of their own and are spiraling out of control.  One on a downward, one on an upward.  Neither of the people involved in these relationships seem to see the spiraling.  Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t want to admit being out of control.  Whatever it is that they feel, I can tell you that our relationships have a mind of their own, no matter how much I try to analyze and be in control. 

Hang tough huh?  How long exactly do you hang? Until your hands loose circulation and you fall from mere exhaustion?   The sweat is building up on my hands and I am losing my grip.  I hope I don’t lose myself by the time this is over. 

So glad this week is over

 

Monday I found out I failed at least half of my classes and would most likely lose my federal funding.  That in turn showed me who really knows me and cares about me.  Someone, somehow decided that I wanted to take a semester off and just responded, “Ok”.  Here I was, and this person, who says he loves and cares about me, says “Ok”.  There lies the breaking point in our relationship.

So now I have been pushed off the proverbial fence that I have been sitting on.  So then we decide, through texting, that  maybe it would be best to break up.  This news isn’t devastating to me, as I have seen it coming. Our relationship has been on life support for months. Really how much longer did we think it would continue?  Why does he  seem blind-sided by this?  Can anyone really be that oblivious?  Ok, he can. 

So how do you break up with someone when you own a house together, a car and share a bank account?  This I can’t tell you yet.  I really need to find an answer because I believe he has forgotten the many conversations of the last week and is continuing like normal.  May I just say, WTF?!  Seriously?! Wow!

why?

Right now I should be doing so many other things than what I am doing. I have all these things to say to two different people and really can't say anything to either. I have questions to ask but maybe I really don't want the answers. Either way, asking or telling, once they are out of my mouth could change everything for a lot of people.

I have analyzed cues, scenarios and situations. I have soul searched and pondered what it would be like without either of these two people in my life and what it would be like with them both in different roles. I have made decisions, came up with a game plan and totally backed out because of the what if's. I have evaluated every cue, scenario and situation by what they could or couldn't mean. I have only managed to become more confused.

So now I am taking note of the times that just feel right. Weighing the pros and cons of both of these people and observing. So matters of the heart shouldn't be based scientific evidence or facts. There is too much at stake for things just to be out there blowing in the breeze.

complicated

So why do things go along nice and smoothly. I resolve myself to the fact that this is the way its gonna be, then BAM he throws me for a loop. Heart to hearts are had and I am back to wanting what I can't have. My resolve is washed away along with what's left of my sanity.

Everytime those 4's come up my life gets a little more complicated. If it's the angels, say what you mean or leave me alone. Why dangle something in my face when I can't have it? Where is my white picket fence and happily ever after? Do I really want that to begin with? Hell, I have no idea at this point.

I do know that I get bored easily and need someone to keep things exciting. I need someone who can stand up to me when I start to get out of control or roar too loud about stupid things. That person won't be perfect or worship me, I so don't want that. I want flaws and all because then I won't feel the pressure to live up to such high standards. I want...

So what do you do when you fall in love with someone you can't have and don't even know for certain that they love you back? I suppose I will keep playing the game until it all comes to a head or someone gives in and declares game over.