full moons, winter solstice & lunar eclipses

The full moon brings something out in me, or should I say makes me look inward each month. A time to re-evaluate my life from month to month. This full moon brings much more introspection. Maybe because its the end of another year? Whatever it is, I am definitely in some kind of introspective funk.

Have I done any good this month, or year? Am I a better person than I was in January? These are some of the questions that have been popping into my head all day. Lunar pull or hormonal pull? Whatever the reason, it is here so I may as well go with the flow.

I don't think I am a bad person per say. My ethics and morals don't always meet with the norm, but I really try to harm no one, while living and loving to the fullest. As a text book Leo, I tend to protect those I love. When you hurt me, you have lost me. I have hurt people this year, not on purpose, but have hurt them none-the-less. I have fallen in love and out of love this year. I think the out of love may have begun last year, but it really hit me in 2010.

I have become more confident at my job. More willing to take on new challenges and know that I will succeed and where my strengths lie. I feel like an adult now. Let's clarify that. I feel like an adult in my career. I know I won't be doing this forever and I haven't given up on school. For the moment though, I really do love my job. Some days I wonder, but I know it won't last forever and all crises will come to an end.

In growing in my career, I have neglected some other aspects of my life. I won't say neglected, just not as much effort has been put into being a mommy , my spiritual growth or even being a BFF. I apologize profusely to those who have suffered from this lack and will try to do better in the coming year. I tend to have tunnel vision until I become bored with something. Bare with me please and don't let me forget whats truly important.

I am also asking for clarity this evening and for the coming year. Clarity to see through situations that aren't the best for me. I want to be able to have a conversion and agreement of head, heart and spirit. I want to learn from every relationship and to be able to teach too. I realize I am still learning and yet have lessons to teach those who are willing to learn from mine.

I can look around me and see those who are still in my life after years. Those who I drift away from and who have drifted away from me only to drift back to each other when we are most needed. I have learned to be there to catch them when they fall, but to give them the space and confidence to try. I have also learned those who are there for me when I fall and forgive me for my indiscretions. Those who really count, don't say I told you so, just very gently remind me when I am making the same mistake again. For those people, I love you and are eternally grateful for your presence in my life.

I thought I was smarter than this.

According to astrologers, a full moon lunar eclipse that falls on winter solstice is rare and has an extreme amount of effect on us. From my strange mood yesterday and my uncontrollable need to suddenly blog again, I believe this to be true. According to one article I read, this is a time of communication, a time of change and a time to take a long, hard look at the situations in our lives that are holding us back. I knew none of this until just a bit ago, and yet I am a true believer just from the randomness of my thoughts and actions of the last 24 hours or so.

Agreements have been made in my life that I thought I could live up to or at the very least accept. So far, I have accepted these and kept up to my end of the bargain, no matter how difficult. You seem to be having more trouble being the happily married man on the weekends. You call me and text me more and more every weekend. It's harder for us to part on Friday's and we so look forward to Mondays. Why can't you see this isn't good for us? How much of an "us" is there really when our lives can't mesh as those in a relationship should? We are together throughout the work week and I am left to my own devices on the weekends. These are the times when I want and need you the most.

I thought I was a strong, intelligent, independent woman. You have somehow turned me into a teenager pining away for her crush, unable to concentrate, sitting by the phone waiting for your call or text. I think you want the rights of a boyfriend, but do you really deserve them?

I want to tell her the truth, the whole truth but I can't out of the fact that it isn't my place. How is this improving either of our lives? You are prolonging the inevitable decision that needs to be made by one of us. I know in my heart that you love me, I also know, that should I have to make the decision, it will be incredibly hard on me. I fear that I will most likely fall back into whats comfortable and there waiting for me to return, whether its good for me or not.

I believe with every fiber in me, that for some reason you are who is best for me right now. Maybe its vice-versa. I could just be the answer to your questions and your too afraid to take the next step. Change is never easy and my decisions keep wavering. Just know that one day soon, a decision will be made. I will put much thought into it, listen to my heart and my inner voice before making such decision.

I understand how scary change can be. I don't think it could be any scarier than trying to be a single mother to two teenagers and two children in elementary school. It's not fair to any of us to keep this up. When you are with her you are thinking of me and when you are with me you are always on the look out for someone who may blow our cover.

This seems like much rambling to me at this moment, yet makes perfect sense all at the same time. I don't know what the next 6 months may hold, I do know that you make me smile, you make me happy, you encourage me and protect me. I know what I want, I just don't know if you do.