People are confusing

 

Sometimes I just wonder why? Why would you say one thing then do another?  Why would you confront someone with evidence that you have dug up only to take them at their word?  I am just not understanding.  I can understand a lot of things that most people don’t.  When your happy with someone, don’t you want to be with them?

I can’t help how I feel.  Either you want to be with me or not.  It’s not rocket science here!  How do you think you would feel put into this position? You’ve been in her position, I’ve been in her position.  There is only room for two people in a relationship, unless of course it’s an open relationship agreed upon by all parties.  I don’t see this as the case. 

I understand there are extenuating circumstances here.  I get that, I too have been there.  I am not pushing for something that you’ve never said you wanted.  I am good enough to show boat & well…you know.  Just not good enough to be with?! 

You have been told by multiple people.  We have all said the same thing.  If you want to be with her then being in a relationship with me isn’t fixing that situation now is it?! Just let me know what it is you want cause I will tell you I don’t want to feel second best any longer. 

9/11 remembered

 

I decided to reflect on the tragedies of 9/11.  Today is a day to think of others and look outside of my little world that I am wrapped up in most of the time.  This is for the heroes who risked their lives to save others,  for the children who grew up without their parent and the parent who lost their child.  This is for anyone who lost someone that they loved on that day.

I was home making plastic canvas baskets for my upcoming wedding.  Blues Clues was on the TV for the kids and everything was going well,  at least I thought so.  When I received the phone call to turn on the TV, my life changed, as did all of our lives.

To watch on TV the horror that was unfolding in front of us was mind boggling.  I held my children just a little closer to me after that. I have tried to raise them not to hate any group of people because of the acts of a few.  Still I can’t wrap my head  around what could have been going through someone's mind to do anything this catastrophic. So many lost loved ones. 

As I watch the memorial on TV, I am thrown back ten years.   Certain things have been stuck in my mind from that day and will never go away.  I can’t help but feel something of the terror that those trapped inside and in those airplanes must have felt when they realized what was happening.  Losing a loved one is hard enough when its natural causes, but to know that there was agony of any sort just rips my heart out. 

We will never forget those heroes who went in just to save one more person only to lose theirs.  They are truly the definition of hero.  I may have never known any of them personally, but I respect them more than anyone.

Today, I honor those who lost a loved one and I will hold just a little tighter to those that I love. 

April New Moon

New Moons make me need to talk, to bare my soul, to invariably get in trouble.  My mouth always does. Ask anyone who has known me longer than a month.  This new moon finds me wide awake when I should be sleeping, listening to a random thunderstorm that I didn’t know was coming, kinda like this post. 

In two days I will be leaving on a trip with my still very  married boyfriend.  I am totally ok with this.  Have all my morals flown out the window? Am I really so uncaring that I don’t care about hurting someone else at the expense of my happiness? Who knows.  All I know at the moment is that I am 40 years old and not getting any younger. Be happy is my motto.

Since I am looking forward to this month, with spring break, warmer weather and 5 whole days away from responsibility, I will be ever so positive in this months wish list. Here goes:

1. I will begin my garden. 

2. I will have a clean house that stays that way.

3. My relationships with those I love will become stronger and closer.

4. I will become increasingly comfortable with who I am and open to who I will become.

5. I will do great on my computer class and raise my GPA.

6. Respect will become less of a fight to get in my own home.

7. I will appreciate every day for the gift that it is.

8. Healthy mind AND body.

9. I will put 100% into all I do.

10. Live, love  & laugh.  There is no guarantee of tomorrow.

Get my head outta my *ss

I just realized I am so wrapped up in my own life I haven’t been paying enough attention to those that I love. 

To my niece Steph, I am so proud of you.  You are a military wife, mother and have managed to get your GED & graduate from college.  You are an inspiration.  You have lived years away from your family, always worried about everybody else and feel guilty when you can’t be there. Just to have you thinking of those who need you is much more than anyone could ask.  We miss you, don’t always agree with your choices, but we love you nonetheless.  So glad your dad’s surgery went ok.  He is important to you therefore important to us. 

To my daughter Amity,  I really am so proud of you.  You have managed to graduate from community college and begin going to a four-year college (TOWSON!)  all on your own.  You have accomplished much more than I had ever hoped.  I know you will give your best, have moments of rage, self-pity and general pissed-offedness (is that even a word).  No matter what, in 2015 I know I will be going to your graduation from college and you will be heading out into the field that you want.  Not only am I proud of your academics, I am proud that you have contacted people that you may never have known, but should have always known.  It may not be easy when people don’t live up to your expectations but you have faced them and I think have made a friend out of it.

To my son Day, you have grown quite a bit in the last year.  You are growing up and trying your best to be a responsible, well-rounded man even though you never really had a good role model.  You are going to school and I know you will succeed.  Your temper sometimes still gets the best of you but you are dealing with that too.  Keep up the good work, I know you can become the person you want to be.

To Brett, my baby boy.  You are trying so hard to be everything everyone wants you to be.  Be you. Shoot for what you want, give it your best.  Don’t worry about high school, we all make it through, even Damian did. 

To my baby girl, Cara.  You are so much like me it’s scary.  You have a temper that can make an Irishman scared.  You can also be the most loving child in the world.  I know I am not the bestest mommy in the world, but you are an independent little girl who knows right from wrong and you get attention from everyone around you.  You demand attention.  My little Leo.

There are many others but I don’t think I should be writing a novel on here. 

I believe…

Yeah, I think this post may have been better off being written on MLK day.  So I am a bit late. 

I believe in the pursuit of happiness. I pursue happiness, sometimes find it, sometimes lose it, but I continue to pursue it.  I tend to find happiness in the oddest of places and sometimes the smallest of things.  The giggle of a baby gets me every time, sitting on the porch on a summer morning just drinking my coffee and listening to the sounds, hearing a cat purr, these are all small moments of happiness.  I pursue constantly not always consciously. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one has the power to take it away or give it. 

I believe you never stop learning.  I want to know things, push the envelope, question why things are and learn new ways of doing things.  I am a student, literally.  My education may take many years but I will finish it.  I want to learn something new everyday and teach others what I have learned. The more I learn the more I want to learn.  The world is only as small as you make it.

I believe we are all different, yet all the same.  We fundamentally want the same things.  We may differ in how to get them by religion, politics, and even race and gender.  These differences are individualized and shouldn’t be forced upon anyone else.  Put the cards on the table, inform me of what your opinion on each matter is and why, I will then take this information and form my own opinion. 

I believe in love.  Always, eternally.  I am not saying that I believe love lasts forever in the same form.  I do believe that love is necessary to live a fulfilled life. To see things differently.  To have a purpose.

Week in review: part 2

This is the week in review.  This is where I go over my wish list and wrap up the week past.  I kinda like this because I realize what was important from the week and what just seemed important at the moment.

So this is a sad week for Ravens fans.  Maybe I should begin praying in August for them to go to the super bowl.  Well they made it to the playoffs, it was still a good season.

I received a surprise check in the mail that is paying for my tires.  At least I can get two now and two more when my taxes come in.

The heat still isn’t working, but thanks to the efforts of our “family” clean freak it will hopefully be working this week.  The house is getting cleaner and soon I will have heat.  Things are looking up in the world.

I was on time for work all week.  This may be due to the fact that I had a ride everyday but Monday. For all intents and purposes though, I was on time all week.  One goal met for the week. Yay me!

Someone thinks that they found something out that upset them this week.  I don’t know how or what they have heard exactly, but they haven’t come to me with it yet.  This, I think, is sort of chicken shit.  Really?  What could be the worse that would happen if they asked me.  Still haven’t learned from past mistakes.  Some people need to be knocked in the head.

I also registered for a class in the spring.  I hope to bring my epa up so that I can get my FAFSA back.  Putting school off was hard and I now have to schedule it into all the new things that I have going since last year.  Just what I needed, more things to balance.

I liked myself all week and only felt that I was mean or unfair on small occasions this week.  These moments were caused by work related stress and really had nothing to do with anything else. I think the decisions I made were pretty good for the most part. 

I tried to balance a lot this week.  I managed to spend time with the kids, time with my honey and time cleaning.  I really need to kick it up a notch or two though.  I really think more sleep is required so something has got to give. 

The Commandments of Mommy

 

I realize that there are certain rules that need to be established and/or re-established in how to treat your mommy. 

Rule 1: DO NOT call your mother a whore when you don’t want anyone saying anything about you.  When I want your opinion I will ask for it. 

Rule 2:  You don’t have children, when you do I will listen to your advice.  Wait a minute, I still have more experience than you do.

Rule 3:  This is my house.  If you care to be a productive member of this household with the perks of living here, you must participate in the not-so-pleasant tasks that involve living in my home. 

Rule 4:  This is in reference to Rule 3.  I am NOT the maid.  It isn’t my job to give you your mail, switch your clothes over to the dryer then bring them to you, or pick your laundry, shoes and other miscellaneous items out of the common living areas. 

Rule 5:  I am here for you.  I  will listen to your problems,  be there for your highs and lows, snuggle with you when you are tired or cold.  I will NOT however, be told what to do because you think you are right, be played against another child and/or listen to you berate others just because they don’t meet your standards. Seriously, no one does. 

Rule 6: You can borrow my clothes.  Please treat them with the same respect I treat yours.  Follow the care instructions when washing, ask if your not sure.  Don’t leave them laying all over the house.  When they are clean put them back where you found them.   Thank you

Rule 7: I gave birth to you, I am an adult and therefore respect is a given.  End of story.

Rule 8: You break it, you bought it applies to my home.  If you can’t afford to replace it then leave it the hell alone.  Again, thank you.

Mother of the year, I am not. Never have I claimed to be.  I have been many different people over the years since becoming a mommy, I still work on it.  ‘Do no harm to others’ is the motto of my life at the moment.  Live your life your way and leave me to live mine, however I may choose at the moment.  The best words of wisdom my mother ever gave me was, “Who cares what other people think”.  These words were told to me by a dying woman.  A woman who died two months after uttering those words and who lived her entire life trying to be what others wanted.  I am so glad that lesson was taught to me at the age of 21.  I have kept it tucked away through the years, pulling it out when needed to get me through rough times.